Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
You Might Also Like
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.