Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
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No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I’M CRYINGGG
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Yup….perfect score!
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway