Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
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hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow