Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”