Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time