I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
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“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
“It has more sensors!”
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides