Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back