@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

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@CruisinSoozan

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

@jennyjaffe

“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.

@nice_mustard

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

@simoncholland

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

@PanicRestroom

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

@imjustdiane

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

@ElleOhHell

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

@Tacet_no_more

I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?

@Bob_Janke

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

@KattsDogma

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™