Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
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I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
incredible book dedication
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.