not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Arrest that man!
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.