Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
What my back needs
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
How it started: How it’s going:
