Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
🤣
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Beware of the dog..
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.