Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.