Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
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“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.