Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
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me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
This is my cat’s medicine.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
This meal prepping shit easy
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.