Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
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Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.