Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

BRAKING NEWS!!

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.