Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation