Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
You Might Also Like
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.