Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.