Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
You Might Also Like
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
on da cob, we all corn
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.