Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

rebranding

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

6. me as a lawyer

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.