Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
