Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness