Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
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“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.