Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
the rocks need my help
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.