ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.