Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Only you can prevent podcasts

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!