Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
can I use a minion as a tampon
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
No, I don’t think I will.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat