Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My inexpensive home security system…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.