Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Thank heavens for community notes
I pray every night that I never become religious…
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.