Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
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Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
IT’S-A ME,
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.