Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
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Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*