Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no