Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses