Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead