Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.