Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Bike is short for Bichael.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
This is my pinned tweet
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
the council will decide your fate
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.