Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Barbie gone wild
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.