Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If you love someone, let them sleep.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.