Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.