Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Time for evil
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup