Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Birds & Planes.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.