Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
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I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Lassie, get help!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America