Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

Its a hippotatomus

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?