Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me, flirting😏
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*