Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.