Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
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the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
they really do be looking like this
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same