Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.