Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
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Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Many hands make light work
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.