Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.