Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

This has made my week.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.