not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
You Might Also Like
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
waiting for halloween be like:
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?