not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
You Might Also Like
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.