Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.