Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.