Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Good dog. ❤️
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.