Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
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When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Weighing up my bread heating options
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.