Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.