Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG