Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic