Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Leftovers are for quitters!

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.