Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

classic mixup

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please