Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
You Might Also Like
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Did my cat write this
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Not all heroes wear capes.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.