Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
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[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I ain’t wearing no wire
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.