Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat