Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

Suuuuure

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Trying

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.