Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”