Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
was Jim off killing horses or…
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
President The Rock Obama
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity