Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Pandas 🐼🖤
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”