Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.