Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
They’re the worst 😩
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse